Everything has gone cold. My lungs, my fingers, my words. In my dreams I am 14 and you are not under my skin. In my dreams, heaven saves me from you. There are no words for the tsunami raging in my chest, no words seem to suffice. I am breaking, melting, drowning. I am a pile of rubble in a yellow sundress. Hate. Hate.Hateful, hateful hate. I am mad at you, I want to shove you and egg your house and graffiti my pain on your back. I get it. I am alone in this and no one will ever truly care. I was foolish for hoping, for thinking I was made from anyone’s bones. I am queen of narnia, and that will never be okay. And that’s okay. I will go back to the beginning, right before the fever that made everything go cold. I will be infinite and you will be forgotten.
There is a need to give my emptiness a name. She is too powerful to exist without an identity. I call her Kainene, and on nights when the certainty that I will die alone covers me like an expensive cashmere cloak, I call her Rae. Rae, the illusion that is…
I thought I should let you know, he doesn’t visit my dreams anymore. There are no horrendous nightmares or screams at 3am when it’s still dark outside our windows. There is the bitterness that clings to the walls of my heart like old paint. It’s falling in chunks daily and truth be told, I am anticipating being bare. I missed you, with your kind words and gentle nudges towards freedom. I dunno, sometime I think you were sent to me, a porcelain angel brought to life so I wouldn’t be so afraid to try at crying. Crying helped, there were lots of tears and on days when I let the fear of being open push me into corners, the tears seem like they are never leaving. How can one soul break another into nothingness so? I’m happy you are here now, because with you I forget. You paint me in shades I could never find in water color palletes and that in itself is why I know I will breathe again. This, this is for you. I will be there through everything. The days when the sun is caramel gold and the days when it pours. You are beautiful and it’s true because all you have let me see is your soul. I am fine now. I hope I never let my hurt scar another but let it be known that I may never love feverishly again. I hope, truly truly hope I can do that for someone and somehow I fear it won’t be you.
March 4, 2013
I was unpacking when I heard you walk in. I had on light pink lipstick that I found at the bottom of a box. You put a few things on the counter and handed me my car keys. I kissed you and asked if you could help me move the bed. You said you needed to talk. I keep replaying this over and over in my mind. I don’t think I’ll be able to unpack the rest of our boxes.
April 4, 2013
It’s been a month since you left.
Mark says you’re not coming back.
I can’t sleep.
Are you awake?
May 4, 2013
I finally went to the doctor like you had begged me to.
You were right and yeah, I’ll be fine.
June 4, 2013
I sold my engagement ring at a pawn shop today. I bought expensive lipstick and flowers. I also bought a lot of beer and a carton of cigarettes. I’ve lost a lot weight since you last saw me. My friends from high school that I haven’t seen in years hardly recognize me. It’s weird being back in this town without you. I spend most of my afternoons at the beach. I saw a sea turtle today while I was swimming. I miss eating breakfast food at midnight with you.
July 4, 2013
I stumbled across the video of you in the car singing Taylor Swift. I deleted it before it played all the way through but I have to admit it made me laugh. I can’t remember how your voice sounds saying my name. I broke down and called you. Thank you for not answering.
August 4, 2013
I dropped my cigarette in my lap when you drove past me today.
September 4, 1012
I went on a date.
He thinks Bud Light is “quality beer”.
It just isn’t going to work out.
October 4, 2013
It doesn’t hurt anymore to say your name.
November 4, 2013
Hope you’re doing well.
December 12, 2013
Thank you for setting me free.