I am a maze. Help. I am in a maze. Find me. Find yourself. End the silence. Teach me to laugh. Or scream. Help. Me. This maze that starts at Woman and never seems to end. There is a girl trapped in here. Help. Her. She is silent. Ursala took away all the glitter. This maze reeks of drunken regrets and perpetual fear. And the girl. She is scared. Of the dark. Of me. Help. Please. I am a maze, lost in a maze. What the hell am I ?
There is a need to give my emptiness a name. She is too powerful to exist without an identity. I call her Kainene, and on nights when the certainty that I will die alone covers me like an expensive cashmere cloak, I call her Rae. Rae, the illusion that is the woman who I was for a second and forever. In another life, I am the bastard child of a feminist mother and she names me Magic and lets my hair be as untamed as the lifestyle she advocates. I am the 11 year old wild child with red lips and a controversial skirt.
Its never that simple though, Kainene counts down the days to when I must find a man to take me down the altar and deem me as whole. She reminds me daily that I am 20 and that means society is finally going to be on my watch. And I, in all my 14 year old euphoria, is thinking about how its a friday night and I want to make someone feel her power. Kainene can make any man cry, you see. She is my bastard baby. And she says her name Is.
He used to have such wild hair. So proud. So loud. His Afro dared me to love him, to strip my self of this good girl facade and drive him to the edge of nothingness. I wasn’t blessed with Jessica Rabbits body but God had oiled me with that magic that made…
I will tell you a story. About the judgement that colors the walls like the product of a fingerpainting marathon. Rachi loves to finger paint, they let him do it and show off his work to guests.Me? my passion was already chosen for me from birth, my mother looked at my almond shaped privates and knew. Must I know how to grind egusi before I am truly a woman? Does God lie? because every month I bleed and yet I would rather fingerpaint with Rachi than bend over firewood, blowing till my eyes are red from rage and firewood smoke. I will tell you a story, but my mother wants me to stop writing at once and join her to cook.
The truth is
there is no word to express you.
Better than any word
is the pulse of your scent.
1. Do not kill yourself. Killing yourself is very messy and your mother will cry over you. It is not beautiful or brave, and even if it was, you will not be around to see that.
2. Washing your hair is going to be a chore. But you should do it anyway. Because you will feel better about yourself.
3. Get up late. Have a lay in. Sleep past your alarm. You have a very long life ahead of you and for now you should appreciate the cold side of your pillow.
4. He is going to break your heart but he’s just another male human who finds it hard to deal with Mondays, too. So in a month you’ll wake up and you won’t even remember that little scar on his knuckle you kissed.
5. Don’t spend hours looking up what your name means on google. Your name is your name and you should go out there and do heroic and good deeds and give your name your own meaning.
6. Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.
7. Music is good for your soul. Rap music will energise you and boost your ego and pop music will cheer you up. Indie music will make you think and emotional songs will make you cry and think about that boy again. It’s healthy.
8. Victim complexes are not attractive. Boys and girls will not date you because you are sad. They are not going to date you and kiss your aching bones and cure you of your dragging depression. Wake up. Take a bath. Do your hair. Be attractive.
9. Sadness is not poetic. Depression is not beautiful. Laying in bed all day and eating too much is lazy and disgusting and it is not tragic or pretty. Get up. Go outside. Let the sun warm your bones. Live.
10. If it makes you happy, buy twenty of it. Dedicate your life to it. Print it on tv shirts and collect things and draw art of it. Do not care what people think. They are the unhappy people you need to avoid. The abuse they will hurl at you is painless compared to how sad they are. Pity them. Remain happy.
11. You are allowed to he angry. But the world is not working against you. The flowers do not bloom for you and when your mother shouts ask her if she is okay instead of thinking she hates you. She never will. The world walks beside you and is silent. It does not trip you up or carry you.
12. Day and night cycles are natural. Humans only sleep at night because we used to avoid predators in the dark because of our poor eyesight. Stay awake until 5am watching bad reality shows. Wake up at 7pm and have breakfast.
13. Eat when you are hungry. Being bored does not constitute a chocolate bar. Sleep with you are tired. Do not mindlessly obey the sleep at night rule. If you are not tired, do not sleep."